Part 1: The Label
Content disclaimers: In this series, I talk about DSM diagnoses, involuntary drugging, and psychiatric drug side effects like suicidal thinking, akathisia, etc. I also discuss different types of abuse and trauma. Read the full disclaimer here. Never abruptly quit psychiatric medications.
In the early 90s, the unproven chemical imbalance theory of depression was gaining mainstream acceptance, and diagnosing children with bipolar became all the rage. Like many ‘troubled children” of this era, my life was derailed by misdiagnosis, polypharmacy, and electroconvulsive therapy. This is my journey from misdiagnosis to permanent, progressive disability from ECT.
Diagnosis and Treatment
When I was 8, I was diagnosed with ADHD and given stimulants and Zoloft. I was told the medications made me “flip” to bipolar. My doctor implied these drugs could unmask my “true mental illness.”
Once I was diagnosed with childhood bipolar disorder, my doctors cycled me through aggressive psychiatric drug cocktails. These medications caused my emotional problems to spiral out of control while new psychiatric symptoms surfaced.
Terror, rage, suicidal thoughts, insomnia, and fatigue became constant companions. My distressed response to this chemical torture reinforced my bipolar diagnosis to my doctors, family, friends, and teachers.
Scared of my own shadow
After being diagnosed, I grew to fear myself. The way adults reacted to me left me wondering whether my own thoughts and feelings were valid or safe and what they would do to me for having them. I was told terrifying things about my condition, so I tried desperately to hide or dissociate from “bipolar thoughts and feelings” that exposed these clear flaws in my humanity.
IATROGENESIS
Iatrogenesis is the causation of a disease, a harmful complication, or other ill effects by any medical activity, including diagnosis, intervention, error, or negligence.
Psychiatric medications caused new health problems requiring medical treatment. Those medical treatments caused more iatrogenesis, needing more treatment, including surgery.
Worsening health
All the medications I was on impaired my liver function, hindering my body’s ability to fight the undiagnosed infections fueling my physical & psychiatric symptoms. My bipolar diagnosis ensured these illnesses would stay hidden, free to ravage my body for decades.
Chronic Failure
I was failing in all aspects of my life. By the 5th grade, my academic progress hit a roadblock because of unaddressed learning disabilities. Chronic illness and heavy psychiatric drugging impaired me further; A healthy adult would struggle to function normally on any one of these drugs, let alone a handful twice daily with as-needed benzodiazepines sprinkled in.
I continued to fall behind in my education with no hope of catching up without intervention. My homework avoidance was treated as willful defiance. Had I been born a decade later, this behavior would have earned me an oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) dx. Everyone assumed I knew how to do what was expected; I just refused for some reason.
Growing Isolation
Stigma
Being a teen with a bipolar diagnosis in the 90s was brutal. Classmates bullied me for being depressed, often in front of teachers who did nothing to stop it.
My friends didn’t understand what was happening to me. Some coped by pretending I didn’t exist. Others got bored and moved on. By then, I was too sick to care or find new friends to fill their place. Not that I had time; being a career mental patient left little room for a social life.
Condemnation
The dominant religion where I grew up created a culture of judgment on anyone struggling with distress outside what they determined to be appropriate feelings and behaviors. In their eyes, my depression and anxiety were from my lack of faith. My emotional dysregulation was seen as “spiritual immaturity” and “amoral.”
I was assured if I “took the easy way out” by ending my suffering with suicide, I’d be leaving a temporary hell for an eternal one. Obedience to authorities was expected. And If I was abused, I bore some responsibility to be determined by those authorities. To talk about trauma publicly, like I’m doing right now, is considered shameful.
A Good Beating
Understanding, supportive allies were few and far between, even among family. Many relatives held many of the local cultural beliefs about mental illness and suicide. They judged me and my parents harshly. To them, I was acting like a brat who just needed a good beating to set me straight.
Love bombs and DIY projects
Occasionally, strangers would show intense interest in me. I was extremely socially isolated by my diagnosis. I was grateful for their attention until I discovered that their reason for befriending me was to convert me to their religion or “fix me.”
When I refused to join their church or change myself the way they thought I should, they became hostile and were gone from my life as fast as they came.
This happened so often growing up that when anyone was nice to me, I began to wonder what strings might be attached to their kindness.
TREATMENT-RESISTANT AT 17
At age 17, treatment-resistant depression (TRD) was added to my growing list of diagnoses. Now certified treatment-resistant, the doctor who labeled me bipolar nearly a decade earlier said electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) might be a good option for me.
The following experts are from a WebMD article promoting ECT for youth that came out one year before I had ECT:
“Cohen says fears about the use of ECT in youth “are not justified” and that some misunderstanding of the procedure comes from a lack of recognition of the severity of patients’ illnesses. When it is used appropriately, the benefits are enormous, Cohen says. “When ECT works it is unbelievable; it is like a miracle.”
“ECT should be used more readily than it is. It works much more quickly and often more effectively than medications,” says Bodkin. He adds that the procedure can be especially beneficial to teens, who often do not take their medications.
TEENS GIVEN ELECTROSHOCK TREATMENT SHOWED FEW BAD EFFECTS (WEBMD.COM), MARCH 24, 2000
The standard ECT sales pitch
My doctor explained ECT in his usual captivating way, acknowledging ECT’s dark past by throwing in a line about One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, an old movie I’d heard of but never seen.
Then, it followed up with anecdotes of modernization and some faith and magic sprinkled in:
“We don’t know how it works but it can be life-saving.”
“Miraculous.”
“It’s not like the old days. You’re given anesthesia and a muscle relaxant so you don’t break bones…Just a toe twitch.”
“It doesn’t cause brain damage.”
And something to the effect, “Ignore negative things you might hear about the treatment…anti-psychiatry…Scientologists, ignorant people meddling.
The treatment-resistant diagnosis made sense. What else could explain my failure to improve after years of therapy and countless drug trials? I trusted my doctor only to recommend treatments that were scientifically proven. As with previous medical treatments and surgeries, I expected if I had one of the rare but scary ECT side effects, I would be believed and be offered appropriate aftercare to help me recover.
Doctor-approved risk-taking behavior
Part of me was secretly drawn to ECT’s risks; If it worked, it could be life-saving, like my doctor said, and it might erase some painful memories. If treatment goes really wrong, I might stop existing altogether. Either way, I was convinced I had nothing to lose.
Page 2: ECT at Seventeen
